


Electric Feel

by PippiPoupu



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel), Miraculous Ladybug, Splatoon, Stardew Valley (Video Game), 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alcohol, Angst, Bullying, Canonical Character Death, Civil Rights Movement, Crossover, Drug Dealing, Drug Use, Drugs, F/M, Fluff, Harems, Heaven, Hell, Historical References, Interspecies Relationship(s), M/M, Major Original Character(s), Original Character(s), Relationship(s), Rituals, Salmon Run (Splatoon), Shota, Slut Shaming, Spoilers, Suicide, War of 1812, bara, declaration of independence, magna carta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2019-06-14 07:54:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15384162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PippiPoupu/pseuds/PippiPoupu
Summary: A cute, shy, beautiful, kind, awesome, amazing, cool, quiet, stunning, beautiful, caring, loving, nice, reserved, interesting, introverted, happy, optimistic girl is in love with Denki (my hero academia)... But everyone is in love with her! how to win over denki before she looking like a slut whore!





	1. Electric Feel| Denki x OC

**Author's Note:**

  * For [peepeepoopoo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/peepeepoopoo/gifts).



electric feel denki x oc   
aged up all characters are above 18 

My name is Nami Fujoshi im 18 and I am super beautiful, humble, nice, and kind, i am in love with denki the electric guy from my hero acdemia also im inrolled in ua ACadmy but i dont have a quirck! I was let in by principlal Dogman (i forgot his name hees the dog principal whos super smart, but not as smart as me!)... he let me in beacuse im pretty and he said " if you sleep with me you can get into the academy) i said no! of cource because i am no slut whore! and He responded by sayinfg "okay, thats fair i respect your boundaries kind woman, ill let you in anyway since your so pretty"

He gave me the keys to Ua academy and now i go there. My best friend is namd katsukey Barkego and he's super hot i guesss... but i dont tell him that because I ant a slut where you PERV! Bakugo is nice i guess,, sometimes he blows up my homework and says "oops guess no homework today" then smile,, the teacher doesnt give me an extra homework because he thnks im pretty. His name is erasurehade and hes kinda hot but not hot enough to sleep with at least.

but there is ONE(1) male who has really caught my eye. He's name is Calimari Denki, the elecrical hero. Sometimes he shoots so much electricity that he turns dumb... but thats okay because it makes me feel smarter ;) teehee

I love denki with all my might but theres one problem! He thibks i'm a slutwhroe! And he dont date no sluts nor whores. Hes curently dating a slut named earplug girl. shes kinda pretty i admit (not as pretty as me tho hhaaha) and but shes too loud in bed so no. Also she has really long earlobes and i think thats creepy like imagine if youre earlobes were that long and you could drill it into stuff... but i guesss denki finds it pretty.

Today i decided to try to win him ovre by having longer earlobes. I taped some yarn to my ears and walked downthe street. Al the guys stopped and stared "wow those huge long earlobes are super attractive wanna bang later" i said HECK NO im so not a floozy.... but it was too late. Denki saw me (while he was on a date with mrs, monstorus earlobe lady) and stopped and said "hi nami-hime" and i said hi "do you ike my earlobes" and he said "No you prostitute"

That hurt my heart and some of my feelings which is okay ecause i know deep down that he likes me.

I met up with my best friends Queen elizerbath third, and miraculous ladybug from miraculous ladybug marie antoinette, short, marionette. 

Hello i shouted to "queen elixerith3 and Hairnet from miraculous ladybug"  
"hello they said back"

elizabeth's quirk is being depressed aand lokign at memes makes her super powerfu and she can punch people. Marinette from Ladybug and cat noir(2014 reboot) cantransofrm to Ladybg(trademarked) with help of her ladybug named Tiki and her earingts which she wears. Then she throws a yoyo at people.

"Hi what ae we doing today young nephews" i asked them"

"Oh we(ladybg and lizzie) were on the way to Ed's house rgiht now"  
"ph cool can i com"

"of course, Sister Nami/"

we walked our way to ed sheerans house, not to far away because youu know he likes them city girls and the bar, bt he can't find lovers at the bar so he just hangs by his house on the hill.

"Hi ed sheering I said as i waltzed into his house.

"Hi nami wjats up" he yelled flipping his gorgoes blonde red hair and exposing his tight chest abs. 

"not muvh but denki blew me off today because i look ike a hooker"

"yes those long ealobes make u lok like one.. ok so how much for a round"

"not much but im not a prostikite so no."

"ah ok, i respect you and your boundaries my pretty fish."

my friend elizaeth and cat noir's gf ladybug are talking when Satan comes up and says" drop thiss? he hands me the Magna Carta signed by king john who was a viscous tyrant and signing this documant gave more power to the nobles but he was also kinda forced to sign it wwhich is cool iguess"

"wow the real live magna carta! i can win over denki with this!"

"sure can" says satan and he leaves because ed shiran's ritual wore off.

nxt i waited a bit then said bye to ed sherin and his/ my friends, queen leizabeth and the mrs marinade dapain chin

algt" i saif" then i went to find denki. to my surpise he was drafted into the war of 1812 where the french and the russians and the germany and the britin and usa and japan and aurtsua ahungry and other places where fighting because germany stepped on britians land. 

so i went to visit the war ad denki was like fighing a lot an he turned dumb because he used to much electricity.

"hi denki"

"blabalbal"

ok" he wasnt making much sense so i tied him up put him in a bag and carried him home.  
then i forgot the war wa going on so i said " please dont figtj" then they all went home and germany unstepped on britin's land.

at home i was Tlaking to denki and denki's parrents.

"gobglogabagakab" said denki.

"ugh he alwasy do this i cant belive i have such a dumb son hes so DUMB and stupid forever!"

"dont say that ! i said and then i went up and slapped his face.

"wow you must be denki's girlriedhe loves strong woman."

"no im not but i will be soon"

"ok when he wakes up ill tell him to date u, also nice long earlobes , yknow your kinda cute do you.."

"No thanks, im not a slut, porstitude, or whorelady so no, but thanks for offering."

"No problem kind lady, your so kind generous pretty humble and beatifu;."

"Thanks can i have sexual intercourse with your son"

"ok"

denki woke up and was like "n-nami san you look so prety can we have sexual intercourse"

i fustered and said ' sorry but im not a slutwhore" then he went criying to his room jumped out window and met up with his long earlobed girflied.. i felt so sad hat i wanted to cry. bt it was okay because my friend the white haired boy from tokiyo goul said " hi you look sad " yeah " want me to eat your blood" yeah" then he ate my blood.

I went to the hostpital because i lost to much blood.

i awoke and deku rfom class 1a was standng near my bed but he was kissinf bakugo.

"waht are you rwo doing"

"oh were just kissing"

"sorry please stop kising while im in my hostpital bed"

"ok i repsect your boundaries good friend"

They sropped kissing aand then jojo fro jojo's bizare adventure said "hi' then i said Hi and hes like " can i kiss bakugo" i said yes because im a fijuoshi and then they kidssed. 

then he asked to kiss me because im pretty i said no because im not a swinger.

I walked out of th ehospital and tried to find mr, denki kamikaze, but he was out wiht his eephant eared girldifend whos name is jiro and she can stuff her earlobes into thingd. she was casually drinking a coffee through her earlobes.

Hi denki.

"hi nami so.. about earlier i only said that because your a slut i saw you with ed sheerang and satan today you whore."

I cried and left. Jiro was laughing bt not with hr mouth she laughed out of her earjacks. she plugges in to the ground and laughed so loud eeryon could here because her speaker ears. i was so embarassed that i leftt.

That was tpday. i cant wait for tomorrow! It will be a better day.


	2. Epilectic feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our hero Nami san is getting a quark,,, but what shall it be!

chapter two: epilptic feel

lal gcharacters are aged up.

Ahhh good morining- i rose up out of my bed like a mourning wood. I looked in my mirror "ew gross i look so ugly but not as ugly as jirou shes way too ugly."

I wanted meself to look kawaii todya, dennki kinda likes punk things. So i choe that instead. I quickly slapped together my favorite punk emo goth outfit. it was so cool. Ok so i put on. My favorite band teashirt. My Chemical Romans, album welcome to the black Parade. Tshirt. it was kinda ripped because i fell down the stairs wearing it, but that made it look cool. So then i put on my 1980's black skinny genes which also had holes but none near the crotch area because thats kinda gross,, it also was covered in many belts and pockets. I put some belts around my shirt because belts look cool. Then i realized i forgot about my bra and underwear so i undid my bets, took off my clothers, then put on my leather bra and leather thing. The thong was not too small because im not a whore. I put my clothes back on, then reput on my belts. I added a few dogtags around my neck. One was of the band bring me the horizons, oanother was, twentyonepilots, other was, slippkot, other was green day amarican idiot, the last one was ed sheeran and his curly red hair.

Then i put on my wristbans to cover my scars (i got it from falling down stairs teehee im so clumpy) it was of panic at the dicso, and otheer was of grgrard way from imagine dragons. Another was of carseat headrest and fall out by ( i dony like fall out boy but my chracetr does pls no hate). Finally i put on my good charlotte hat.i put on my laether jacket with the band name red jumpslut appratus scrawled into it. Then i added more belts(black, 20 count) becase my pants fall down too often despite them being skinny jeans, soemtimes my shirt falls dwon too because my shirts are too big. i put another belt on my wrist so my armbands dont fall of my arm. lastly i put some around my neck but then i looked like a whore slut so i tooked it off.

Alight im read fro the day! I stared longlingly into the mirror, admiring my good loocks oh wait i forgot MACKUP! So i put on my white founation, black lipstick, blakc shadows under my eye. 

I looked into my mirror and though... i think i looked too emo, but thats ok because jiro is kinda emo too she always wears that my chmical romance tshir ew. I looked kinda cute. not cute enough, so i grabbed my pair of neko ears out my drawer and glued it to my hat.

"uwaaaa~ so kawaiiiii deus."

 

Now i leaved my house. i rode on my school bus tody the school bullies koji coder and tender iieater and mushroom ojira were making fun of mineta because his bowl costume looks like a diaper. 

"haha baby boy baby boy!" the three chanted.

I was infurious! Stop picing on a mineta event though hes kinda a slut.

"mineta cried" please stop picking on me

"haha DIAPer boy BABY! HAHA look he diaper boy he grape hair GRAPE BABEY!" Everyone on the ua train started laughting except me because im a decend, nice, kind, caring human being,

I went up to the bully gang who were wearing a bunch of attire from forever 21 *gasp* theyre part of a click. Ok so Ua academy is divided into a few groups.. the kawaii emo's like me and denki who wear hot topic, the preppies who r the ones who like forever 21, the nerds like mineta who wear glasses and flannel shirt, and the jocks who wear sport jersiys and are kinda dumb, like momo.

"shh, fucking hipster preps, i whisperesd under my breath."

All of a sudeen Jero yelled "GASP" people turned around. jiro says "This lady nami says that shh fcking hipster preps!" 

Damn it i forot her quirk allows her to hear things. Everyone on the car said "whisper whisper amosngt each other" 

I as infurious again. "jiro.. dont tell me your a prep..."

"i am"

"YELL!" i cant believe i was so bilnd. I started having seizures because i was mad. everyone backed away.

But then minate woke me up and said "shh... its ok the preps are jsut jealous of how pretty you are"

and i said "thanks mineta, would you like to engage in sexual activities as a thank you?"

He said "no thanks, It would be uncourteous of me to use you to my advantage after you saved me... I would Never do that actually."

"Thanks mineta youre such a good guy."

the plane finally landed at ua accademy and all the people went off. Outisde the building was all might.

"whoa its all might" said everyone"

All migth yell "im looking for a nami fojishi" and i was like "thats me' i walked up to him. he carried me away in his big daddy bara arms into the school bildig. EEvery teacher was having a meeting here. 

All mught cleared his thoat a said " this young one stood up against the preps" he said remoing his spiky leather jacket.

UH OH am i in the TROUBLE! 

"no no, youngling, Im here to rewarrd you with a quirk'

"a quik? wow what kinda and how im quirkless!"

"well frist you have to eat my dna"

"ok soudns good but what wuirk is it"

"its called one for all and its inhereitd and you stocpile power. you use it to defeat all for oen.:

"ok cool i guess"

"mhm, you get to punch people really far but if your not careful youll brewak a couple of boens"

"alright sounds fine"

"I was originally gonna give it to deko minoriya, but i heard he was kissing bakugo and jojo from jojo's bizarre adventre. I dont want to give it to a tramp so here u go, i know your not a whore bc your too pretty and kind and smart to be one"

"Why thank you all might, thats so flattering and yes deku is an ultra slut protiotution loving manwhore."

"yes yes indeed, pease eat my hair to get stronger."

He ripped off a hair and gave it to me. It looked kinda unappeaing to i took it to the lunchroom and added some salt, pepper, walsabi sauce, soylent sauce, and consumed the strand. All a sudden i could feel my arms leg chest buff up and i was strong now. "Wow i feel so strong thanks all might" "no problem kid try punching something" I punched a chair and it flew to the oher room.

"ouch" it hit my friend bakugo who was talking to Kenike Can the white haird guy, he eats blood flesh and miscleanous body parts.

Hi bokugo i got a new quirck.

"Hi nami pls show me we shal duell" 

3...2...1...

Bakugo started booming his hands and his sweat flew everywhere and his sweat is made of a nitroglycerin like substance which can ignite. His sweat got on me so i put it onto my hand and i gathered as much sweat as possible and i punched him with his sweat. immediately my fist exploded and the combied power sent him flying into the soy sauce dispenser. "ouch, that was a owie."

"teehee"

"dang ur kinda cute when you do that, but no homosexuality."

"None taken, bokugo ok lets go to class."

In class, eraser head was talking about quirkc and i said Hi mr areser head i got a new quirk>" would you like to demon straight?"

"yes, please bring me koji soda, tena Ida, and lastly, orjiro."

"righty-o mani."

The three bullies stepped up in fear and cowardice and trembled at the thought of m beating them up haha. I punched each and every one of them so much "this is for mineta....this is for denki....this is for wearingforvere 21 you preps....this is for being existance."

 

they all got beat up so bad recovery ladyy said they wudnt make it.

Later that day when school as out deku walked up to me and asked"hey isnt that my quirk that all might was gonna give me."

'not any more because your kinda a slut.

"ok, makes sense, have a good day." Then he went off to give bakugo some decent head, all for $25 dollars.

deku was my favorite nerd, besides mienta and stuff. the nerdies were kida nice but theure also kinda slutty sometimes. Its all cool with me though, i dont shame anyone for being sexual becayse sexuaity is a part of healthy adult life and as long as theyre both consenting adullts then its alll good.

Anyways, i was trying to talk to denky. "Hi denki, you like my nw quirk?"

"I saw u talking to deku and ekus a slut."

"yeah but did u see us having sex"

"umm no but i wish lol". then he put away his camera in his bag.

"denki,,, you know im not a twink."

"yeah but my gf jiro has this cool quirk where she can extend he earlobes, dont you thinkthats more sexy thann yore quiurl?"

i got angry and grr.

"No! why is that more sexy when i can punch things! ALSO! youre girlfriend is actually a prep! you bastard child!"

"WAIT jori IS A PREP! damn it! i knew it that BITCH ass prep/"

"Yeah, can you please date me."

"Maybe later."

He walked over to jiro who was behind him and said "Were breakking up u prep>'

Shes like "ok,"

Then he walked over to spitty girl with the demon eyes, Mina Assido"

Shes a literil devill if you cant tell by her horns and her acid puke.

"hey willl you date me meana" "yes"

NOOOOO my life is ruined tis is so bad.

I went to my llocal telephone box and called up my freind ed shearing."ed sheeran the musician, please give me the number to soomeone" he gave me the number and i hung up and called the number.

"hi satand, i said"

"Well hello child." satan relplied.

"Your daughter miiina is dating my love interst denki, please tell her no."

"ok, what you need to do is captue the delaratuon of indeepndance and she and her demon powers will be directed away from your love. By, thanks for calling hell see you here soon."

I went to the decalraction of intedepants in washington dc. I was trings to get it out of its glass cage when Nic cage saw me and stopped me. 

"hey howdy nick cage, what are you doing."

"i need this delcation of inpenisdance."

"Oh, for what reason."

"I just want it yknow.'

"ok how bot we make a eal... i borrow it first and you can have it later"

"ok sounds good" He took out his laser pointer and carved a hole ito the glass and i grabbed the declaration of independance. "thanks nick age please give me your number"

OK'he wrote the number on my arm. then the alarm went off the security guards with guns came out and started shootsing. I left just in time.

I went to denki and mina and showed minda the delcationof indepenace."

"haha youFOOL she said", "That does nothing on me, teh delcation of indedependace is wwhat my father hthinkd my weakness is. My real weakness is the magna carta." So i pulled out the magna carta "what how did you get that I thougght my FATHER was keeping it safe!"

"hah your the fool i have the manga cartha."

"NOOO" then she turned into dust. I carried her back to her father Satan. "here satan," i said" is you daughter. shes now dust." "Oh dont worry nami i can turn her into something better>

He used some demon magic to turn the dust into a long haired girl.

"this is my new and better daughter. I named her Tsuyu Asui."

"your iright she is better thanks."

"kero" said the frog girl.

"Ok im satan, youre going to UA academo"

"Kero ribbit ribbit" said flong tougne fro girl. her tounge drooled drool everywhere like a dog but i thougth it was kinda cute,like q dog. 

"does she know english"

"no she speak japanese"

"ok thats petyy much the same thing bye"

So i left hell and it was kinda dark so i went home, took off all my clothes, put on my Death Cab For Cutie robe and then took it off and fell asleep under my all time low blankets. Zzzzzzz i said as i was asleep.

 

Today was good day, i wonder how tomorrow be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please stream sck from pink


	3. Hectic Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toady's episode is a cossover. See what happens nexts!

Ahh.. another day another day.

I woke up to a text from denki. I opened my phone with the lockscreen of blink onehundredeitghytwo 

"Hrllo nami. i receieved youre number from ed she ra. hes a good guy kinda cute red hair yknow. Ook so im dating satans frog girl now, sorry, bye."

I threw my phone onto my bed but i forgot i had supper strenfth and then it kinda bounced and then bonced ALL over the room then out the window and landed on my friend bauguo's head"

"oi oi oi, nani deskua wacth whree youre throein that thing"

"Teeettee sorry bakuchan. whats up i yeelled through the window"

"Ok so you know marie antonet from miraculous: Adventures of Ladybug and Cat Noir (2015) which quickly became popular maybe a few years ago?"

"yes i know her shes a good friend."

"Shes aseked you to do her a favor. SHe needs someoneto fight with her."

"Ok be right there."

I walked across the streeet to my friend marie anonite's bakery/house, hello good morong queen antioenetee'

"HI name-san, please visit my univer in so thta you can help me defeat bad guy. Zis coulda be da pervect chanze for-a yu to use a youre quirk."

"soundsn great please lead me into your universe."

She warped me into her universe. 

"wow this looks a lot like italy thats cool i thougth i was in jappan a few secons ago'

"yeah warped you-a to my home in italy... se heresa good view of ze citie, hooon"

she warped me to the top of the iffle toer, so high up

"Wow, this is kinda cool please warp me back to your house"

ok"  
she warped me backt o her house and shwed me her ladypug talking.

"Hi im Tiki, nice to meet a friend of marie anooinette."

"yes, same to you. alright can u get me some bakery food im hungry."

"herea you go, said marinet

"mmm what a tasty bagite.. cant wait to try more bakery treats."

"yes but now, we musta fight ze villin."

"oh? who might the villlin be?"

"the villin is the entirety ofa germay"

"Woah why did that happen."

"they lost the war of 1812 and have still been mad about it. zhey swore revenge. Mothman took thm all over."

"ooh no, what trageny has bestowen us."

"terrible fait indeded; said tiki

"ok so what do we do i asked

 

ladybug warped me and tiki and herself over to germany. they were all kinda mean looking. "grrr germany not ose 1812 war! they screamed"

Oh gees they look kinda angry" 

"yeah thats what hawpman does, he makes them anfry"

"ok what do now"

"Cat noir please coem here" she summoned'

Cat noir appeared "mrow ladybug whs the new recruit she fine as hell"

"ugh grpssstop flirting with her you sluttu cat neko"

"alright laddybug r we fighting geramny"

"yes"

"ok hold on use your yoyo"

Ladybig reached out of her poket and pulled out a yoyo. she threw it into the air and sayd' laybug OBJECT TIME"

an objesct appeared. it was a signed contract of the ten commendments.

"wow we coulj get rich of of that i said"

"no we have to use ths on germany ok what do we do"

I have an idea i said" cat noir use your catterclysm on that huge brige over there"

he did and all the germans rushed over there"oh no our golen gate brige who destroyed it"

I grabbed the ten commentments and ran to all the geramans. " here ae the ten commentments' i yelled loudly

"ok" said the germans"

"ladybug, now!" i shouted'

"MIRACULOUS :ADYBUG" said she, and all the german people went back to normal and so did the bridge.

"thanks for helping me out, nami-san, your so pretty and brave and powerful, also so strong, wow, thanks so much your amazing." 

"Anytime ladybug also hi cat nir"

Cat noir was staring at me "hi nami your relly pretty i like u more than ladybug."

"Sorry chat nore but, im not a slut, thanks tho,"

"Alright, i think ill just stick to the lesser miracullous ladybug."

Ladybug got mad" really hcat noir thats kinda mean"

"Well to be fair you wpuld looksexier if you had nam's arm muscles and her cool yarn earlobes. I like yarn yes."

"Ok, i understand, ill work harder for you." ladyug went to the neaerst gym and started training out.

i went over to her deadlifting 600 pnds "hi please warp me back to my universe'

"alright" she got up and waped me to her bakery in th hero academi universe. "thanks son." "no problem Sister Nami."

That was a cool day i guess. But i miss denki. then i saw him. "Hi denki" i said. " Hey namisan."

"How are you denki, ik your dating froppy the demon daughter but better than mina, thats ok, i didnt expect you to choose me and that ok bc you are responsible for your choices on wh to have a relationship i shoudnt dictate that."

"Thanks for being kind and respectful, nami"

"My pleasure, your such a wonderful man and you deserv to be happy, il make you happy please date me."

"later, after im done with froppy ok,"

"yeah ok"

"so denki what ever happened to miss earlobe girl with the long earlobes that she shoves intot hings"

"Well havent you heard what happened today."

"No, i was busy in the miracuous ladybug universe...'

"you WHORE you were with cat nor hes a whore i bet you two are whore couple swinger fest protititse."

"Not really, i just helped out with fighing the germans"

"OH yes they were pretty mad about the war of 1812 they also got a lot of land taken away and had less power afte signing the treaty of versailles... they were exculded fromthe leauge of nations along with russia. Russia backed out of the war because they were kinda bad at warring, i mean they were low on everything but soldiers they lose so many people i feel bad for them. Also austria hungary split into austria and hungary and Yugioslaver and there was also more countries, the ottoman empire fell apart and now they are Turkey, the Turks. The germans were still angr baout losing so much land and the peace treaty between the allied foces they became so angry and i think we can sympathize with this because the eople there might not have wanted to go to war, yet they were forced to because germany declaerd war on two plaes in a matterof days... the generation knew nothing but war, loss, destruction. Everything changed. All the people there must have been parnoid, miserable, and depressed. It's kinda sad. You know, I wish we didn't have to have these wars. I wish everyone can get along. But its simply not possible because people have opposing views sometimes, and that can become so strong. You know what i'm getting at? Like, how people on the internet gan get so enraged with politics that they resort to petty insults and death threats, like come ON! That's why I don't share my views on politics or where I stand politically. I'm afraid someone's going to get mad at me for believing something. And its not just ppolitics. People get mad if you have harmless interests, hobbies, etc. People will take anything you have and turn it against you. But, i realize, many of these people are not worth your time. They're people who dont, and probably never will, know you. If their opinions matter so much then they should make a speech about it, not blast it to you on the internet. You should like or do whatever you want as long as it harms nobody. People are so filled with hate these days... whether it be toward others or themselves. And I feel I can't change that, no matter what i do..."

"K"

"yeah" said denki

"ok what do we do now"

"hmmmmmmmmmmm how about we go to my houe and netflix and chill"

"No thanksi im tryigto limit my screeentime"

"Ok, i honor your opinion and your attempts to imrpove your health."

"Goodnitght"

I waklked away,t ehn i was stopped by monka the leader of the dokidoki literature club who is cool but kinda psuchotic sometimes.

"Hi monica whats up"

"please join literature club natuki will bake cupcakes and i realy want one but she says its only fro when we get new members."

"Ok, i suppose good monica."

"Thanks, Sister Nami."

I walked over to literature club in UA academy's clubroom.

"Hi natsuuki hi yuri hi depressed bitch lol"

"HI im natsku your such a baka"

"h-hi im y-y-y-y-y-yu-u-yur-yuri"

"... Hi! whats up im sayuri"

"And my name's minkia please write a poem for tomorrow to share with the class.

I ate a cupcake then left. My favortie girl is monika but i cant choose her cus shes the class president so i choose the angsty girl that's not sayori or yuri, Natski'

I worte a poem then i fell asleep. Goodnight. I cant wait tomorrw!


	4. poectic feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy itd the doki doki literature club featuring moniker, yurio, natsuskuki and depressed girkl.

Oh oh, shock me like an eectric eel" said my alram clock. I woke up to the sound of electric feel by ed shian, hes such a good muciscian, hes als nice red hair and thick bara leg musculars. Also he glasses glasses are cute if he were at UA aracdemy he'd probably be a nerd i guess, but hes not a slut so no. The following is a fan-based parody Please support the oficial release. It said at the end of thesong.

Alright, im ready for my day. First off i grab my leather bra and thong, grapped my black acid washed skinny jeans and blavk crop top and added it to my slender, smooth, hairless, pearly-white, flawless body. I made sure to add plenty of beltns. 

I was about to leave then i said"Oh i forgot my poem"

I went to class at UA academy, there were no more bullies since i beat them up and they died, which is sad but at the same time i dornt really care sine theyre minor characters. Mineta minoru was wearin his diaper cosplay again with the latex and stuff, cute i suppose. "HI minor Minute" "Hi nami, did you officiallu change your name yet."

"Yes, i done changed it, please call me Sakura Kendama from now on."

"alrigh sakura senpau"

I learned a lot during earserheads lecture but i noticed, "wheres long long ear girl with those mounaintous earlobes damn they like snakes."

"urgh," eraserhead said "please dont interupt my lecture or else, illl tell you after class.

The whole class gave me staring eyes because i said that.

"What did something bad happen to her or.."

class bell rang and then mr eraserhead told me "come to m office ill explain"

I went to his office and he gave a told "jirol.. that one bitchy prep earlobe slut.... she..."

"spit it out what happened to her."

"She died"

"WHAT how! No dont tell me it was my fault i shouldve never broken the two up... its ,my faul, waaaaaah" I cried loudly.

"No, no young student, she was out one day and she was walking"

"mhm sounds normal"

"She arrived at some stairs and her earlobes were extended, they tripped her and she fell to her deminse... poor girl... her ears were her own undoing."

"Yes, yes i wshall mourn this loss."

I left the class and walked to the dokidoki litrateur club.

"hello friends and natsuki, who shall be my future wife, please do tell m activities for today."

"oh hello SIster sakura who recently chnaged named, we are readiign poems today who would you like to read to first" denounced monicle

"I would like to read to depressed sorryori just to get it over wih"

"ah yes i seee, please exchanged poems"

I read a torn out notebook paper with sayori's ugly ass handwriting and read it.

"Hpapy unicorn rainbow flower  
i like raindbow

hi thanks fro reading my pom, please support me on patreon.  
$1 a month will get you access to all my WIP's and my ssn and creditcard info"

"thanks sayori fro lettign me read your discusting peom, it was just a shammles plug.

"ah, thank you sakura, i like your poem too."

Next i read my poem to yuri who likes death and stuff, shes also kinda weird but its cool with me since i killed 3 guys.

Her beautiful handrighting was easy on the eyes.

"I keep waiting by the shallow ocean.  
The ocean that always sleeps.  
The waves tickle my feet  
urging me to come forward

but i stay on the sand  
for fear of the ocean  
whose depth is unknown  
and i, not one to find out

The sand is pulled by the tides  
i am drawn ever closer  
should i jump in?  
Should I risk it?

I stay on the sand  
in fear of the ocean  
Whose motives are unknown.  
Whose darkness is vast.  
Whose questions have no answers.

I cannot trust the ocean  
For it has betrayed,  
Broken so many  
And learned nothing"

 

"Yuri your poems are kinda too long please stop"

"o-o-o-o-oo-o-ok i-i un-u-u-unders-understand"

Next i walk over to natuki whos writing is cute and girly

"Soyuz nerushimyy respublik svobodnykh  
Splotila naveki Velikaya Rus'.  
Da zdravstvuyet sozdannyy voley narodov  
Yedinyy, moguchiy Sovetskiy Soyuz!

Slav'sya, Otechestvo nashe svobodnoye,  
Druzhby narodov nadozhnyy oplot!  
Partiya Lenina - sila narodnaya  
Nas k torzhestvu kommunizma vedot!

Skvoz' grozy siyalo nam solntse svobody,  
I Lenin velikiy nam put' ozaril,  
Na pravoye delo on podnyal narody,  
Na trud i na podvigi nas vdokhnovil.

Slav'sya, Otechestvo nashe svobodnoye,  
Druzhby narodov nadozhnyy oplot!  
Partiya Lenina - sila narodnaya  
Nas k torzhestvu kommunizma vedot!

V pobede bessmertnykh idey kommunizma  
My vidim gryadushcheye nashey strany  
I Krasnomu znameni slavnoy Otchizny  
My budem vsegda bezzavetno verny!

Slav'sya, Otechestvo nashe svobodnoye,  
Druzhby narodov nadozhnyy oplot!  
Partiya Lenina - sila narodnaya  
Nas k torzhestvu kommunizma vedot!"

"Really good poem, its so cute!"

"y-you dont think its too girly?"

"not at all good lass, its very pretty writing and its great"

"but dont you like yuri's stuff"

"no iits too long and kinda annoying to sit through and read all"

"right! i like my poems to be short and sweet, and i like the meaning to be defined and vague"

"I agreee natsuki,ok goota go read monerca's poem"

"ok bye your cute and pretty"

I went over to monika who was twiddling throug some computer files and whatnot i guess, very normal of her.

"HI, please monika give me poem tahnksk"

alright here:

"All the good one's are taken, they said

that mean's im not good i guess

theres plenty of fish in the sea  
yet none of them like me

theres still hope, there's still time  
im tired of your lies

youll find the perfect guy  
and what? break apart again?  
'Just stop being so shy!'  
It's all a lie.

It's better to love and lose  
But why does it hurt like this?  
'put yourself in another's shoes'  
Ill add that to my list

Because face it, nobody loves me  
they can't."

"wow monika, it kinda sucks, bt not as much as yuri. My advice is: get over him lol."

Monaci says "ok club, its time to wrap up, please write another poem or else, and my tip of the day is to: watch where your going and oull be good"

"alit=righ" said all of us.

I traversed my way back home and went into a phone booth" hey nic cage, im mailing you the declaration of independence, thanks for getting it for me" Now that my errands were taking care of, I was done for the day, I finished by watching binge watching the series called "Sword art online" which was good i suppose, but it was also really bad because the plot had more holes than my clothing. "ahh sword art online rally inspires me... i wish i could have an incestuous relationship AND a harem with a bunch of cardboard cutout girls.. also how they keep getting molested by tencalted creatures and strange men... gosh thats kinda gross i think"

Knock kck" said the door.

I opened it.

"Hi im, kirito, from sword art online, kirrima kuragaya, for short, kirito"

"hey, the show you starerd in, kirito, kinda sucked. how did u get here"

"I hacked into the universe with my impressive 14 yr old anime protagonist macguyver hacking abilities and went over here."

"wow, sounds good, why does your character suck so much when you sound like a cool dude in person"

"yikes, that offends my soul, but i understand,my character does suck im sorry, also please do not use such mean hurtful language about the series, the creater is ery passionate about his work and many people do enjoy the show"

"yes yes i understand kirirto, but why doesnt he treat the girls with more respec they are mostly never properly developed and made up on the spot to fill the 'needs to be a girl here' spot. theyre just made because theyre girls'

"Ah, I truly know what yur talking about, thanks for habing a talking with me, i heard sao alternative was better since im not in it."

"Yure a good respectful kind man, i can see why the ladies fall for you. YOu may be overpowered to the point where its just unfair to other people, but that's ok because i know youll use your power for good."

"Truth be told, I am still a young man. I have much to learn about the world and myself as well. People like you are fun to talk to, thanks. Also, youre pretty with taht earlobe thingy, and smart n stuff. I might have to add you to my harem."

"You know, im no slut but i wouldnt mind that at all, sounsd good."

"arigth, goodbye, have a nice night."

He digitialized away and i write a poem, then i went to bed.

Today was amazinf, i hope to spend more time with my doki doki friends and not with denki because he's been ignoring me for some reason. Ok gn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alexa send tweet


	5. Satanic Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something spokky going on... and guess whos gonna find it out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spoilers warning for DokidOki Literature club (visual novel), please skip chaptr if you have wanted to avoid spoilering

ZzzZZz said my sleepy body. Thrn i woke up.

"AHHHHH good morning, today is good. I woner how denki is faring" I took out my phone and texted denki. He has been avoiding me lately, for some reason, and im tryn to find out. "oh gee, imust get ready for school loday" I quickly put on my favorite pair of non-sexual bra and thong, on top i had a tshirt witj the band name James Consumes the Earth. Very good i thought to myself, but there need be more. So i decided that i woukd wear a skirt today, but not a miniskirt, because that's for loose woman.

I headed over onto UA's transportation and tok a seat next to bakugo. "Hi bakugo" "Hi thithter thakura, howth your day gointh."

"Whoa bakugo, you sound like a minx, what happeened to your theeth."

"long thtory, but tho be thort, deku, he, gave me thome good athh head"

"then wht"

"then he punthed out my teeth."

"ok, that's cool, gbut lets tak about me."

"ok wath up with you thakura."

"Do you like mine poem for the dokidoki literature club (horror genre) (visual novel)."

"let me thake a lookthee here.":

"Natsuki, you are my one true love.  
You are the light to my darkness,  
the flame of my fire  
the sun, the ever-bunring sun.

please marry me."

bakago say" yeath thath not half bad, i think i enjothed it."

"Yes, im trying to porpose to natski whos still being kinda tsundere but thats k."

"ahhh yeth i untherthtand your thruggleth."

"thanks bakygo, oh look, we have reached UA."

We all went off of the transportation. Everyone went to tehir respective classes.

Class was boring and i did listen but i was too bored, mr. eraserhead explained to us daddy fetish, and h demonstated on the class, also deku was sent to the prinipal for knocking ou bakugan's teath. Soon, class wwas over.

I went to dokodko literature club.

"HELLO sister Sakura, they said in unison"

"hello wife natsuki, hello psychotic yuri, hello- oh wait where is depressed sayori."

"oh, we shoukdnt talk about that yknow" said the Moanaki

"Jesus, Christ what happened to her ehy isnt she here?"

"Umm yknow, she got hanged, i think."

"Ah, sounds typical of her, what's up monika."

"Well, the strange thing is that she wasnt be hung with a rope, it was some fleshy colored headphone jacks, they were long, ropey, they looked kinda like very elongated earlobes."

"h,mm, strange, oh wait, i think i know what happened.:"

"Oh, sounds good, please tell me what to do>"

"Ok class, literature club, we are visitingg sayri's dead body, please come along."

Everyone went over to gaze at sayori, whislt i made a trip to the phoe booth.

"Hello, satan."

"hello, my son daughter child,"

"Hi, i was wondering, there's a demon on the loose do you kknow of one."

"Yes, i ama aware, there was a girl named jiro with very very strange earlobes, they look like wet spaghetti attached to her ears, she tripped on them and fell."

"yes yes but im talking bout a demon with big earlobe, not some dead bimbo wench.

"Oh about that, see when she died, she was going to hell, but it turns out that she clibed out using her wierd ass earlobes, she drilled them into the sides and walked up on out."

"ah, how did she become a demon"

"See when you go to hell said satan, " and then you escape you arent a human, youre a demon, i you go to heaven and escape you are an angel."

"Mhm, thank you for your tasty knowlege, please show me what to do now."

"alright daughter, i will send my son over, he's about your age, blue flames, kinda hot but not a tweaker."

"You are talking about Rin Okramural, righth?"

"yes, the demon boy, hes rally cute, i think youll like him. he can help exercise the demons"

I hung up and went to sayori's hosue, the members were all weeping, crying, ransacking her house, tearing up, and sobbing.

'Hi guys, im gonna set up a ritua to summon rin okaymora."

I set up a rutial, and lo and behold, rin Okamora, appearing in front of us"

"Hello, I am rin ookurula from blue extortionist. Nice to meet such a pretty lady such as you, good sister sakura."

"Why thank you, such a flattereer, but im no harlot."

"I know, sister, but if you ever need a good time, ritual me"

"Ok, ill keep that in mind, please exercise the demon here"

"Ohhh youre talking about lengthy ear shell girl who has hung sayori, ill be right on it."

He chanted some demon stuff and then heard a scream, the earlobes wrappeda round sayoris, neck dispapperd, and so did sayori.

"Why is sayori gone I said to rin okumaru from ao no exorist"

"Because she done went to hell."

"About time, also where's that hearing aid headphone loser"

"She went to hell, but also, shes in a cage, so she can never escape hell again."

"ok cool. thanks bro"

"Anytime, also please cal me whenerver, im easy to reach, find me oonn grindr too"

"ok" and paid satan a visit. "Hi satan, where might coca jiro might be"

"Oh yes, coke zero, come this way."

He took me to a cage with kyoya jero, shes trapepd in there. "Hi demon vamp"

"Hi, sorry for stealing your love interest denki the eectric guy, i just liked him because whenerver he shto too much electricity it made him ddumb, and tht make me feel smarter."

"No problem, jiro, you sound like a cool girl, we can hang out sometime if you ditch the earkobes."

"aright, dunno when that is tho bc theyre atatcked to y body."

"Ah, guess your on youre own. see ya tramp."

"have fun in the real world"

I bid her a do, then went over to sayori who was at a table writting poems.

"hi sayori, i se you havent givent up your pathetic poetry"

"no, but if you want to read it, here be."

"gross, leave mealone sayori, you aways get in the way of me and natsuki, and your handwriting is ugly ass."

"Thanks, ill see you later"

I left hell after that encounter and went backto my house. i checked my phone, there's a message from denki.

"dear sakura sister, i have unfortunate news...froppy and I are getting married. please come to my wedding, thanks, denki kaminara"

NOOOOO my life is ruinend, i cried so much my eyelier and eyeshadow ran, and i ate all my icecream, and i felt so sad.

later i recieved another text from denki "ok sorry about that last text, i take it back, i cant marry fropppy,"

"why? i asked curiousy"

"when we mackout its kinda awkward her tounge is almost as long as jiro's earlbes if not longer, its so weierd"

"hahayeah her tongue is relly weird, so long and drooly, also sayori died today.'

"oh cool haha, do you want to date me sometime as a congratulations."

"sure, where shal we meet up"

"tomotrrrow is saturday, so lets go to the cafe, its 25% off 12-3 apm please be there at 12 ockock."

"Alght, thanks for dating me denki,"

"No problem, yur so cute kind nice ,prettu, introverted and reserved shy, generous, happy girl how could i resist."

Ha ha, thaks so much, nobod can resist me yknow also your such a flatterer, but im not a slutwhore, thanks anyway."

"Ik your not a wenchy hooker, because i dont date wenches, nor hookers."

"Thnaks ever so much, people get the wrong idea when they see my earlobes."

"yeah, goodbye. i finished wastching sword art online, sakura, and main characeyr kiriro is kinda sucky, hes really anooying, hes to overpowred and werid and every girl likes him"

"agreed, but people do like the show so please do not say hurtful words about it"

"Alright, oh hold on i got a knock at my door, better hang up my textign."

'alright, have fun, im going tosleep."

I went to sleep.


	6. Eccentric Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OOh girl,, shock me like an eelectric eel,,, baby girl, turn me on with your elecrtic feel! So, denki and sakura kendama hae a date planned, what will happen.

I dreamt tightly, i had dream.

Then, I woke up- oh shoot today is the day of our date! I checked y clock whisch read 1:27 ...I'M Late! Iswipped out my phone and ogled at the message denki sent me... an hour ago.

"Hi sakura, sinc eyour were late, i actually chose someone else to go out with teehee,,, sorry ssweet buns."

I ran out the door, then back inside, then got dress, then ran out again. I ran to the cafe called "Rabbit House Cafe Anteiku" then spotted a glance at denker, who, oh geez, he was out with momo!

"DENKI WHAT ARe youDOING with that braindead jock."

"wait clam down, dakura, take a look, she can do this,"

Momo started making food apppear out of her body, which was kinda weird, its like shitting out objects, you cant deny how wierd that is.

"Momo, am i correct."

"right on, my duuuude" her weed smoked eyes were half lidded, she gazed at me, she look dumb.

"Momo, your look relly dumb, and you shit out objects that so wierd and awkward on a date."

"Naw man," she croaked " i transform the lipids in my body into objects, so cool riiiight,,, i dunno how it works, i think my body sugars create these things"

"Momo, i think your high"

"Duuude, arent we allllll... like, life is sucky, almost as sucky as sword art online, and we alllll try to escpae it one way or another, for some its like, going with the flow, taing everything life throws at them, for some its esccapism, drugs, high thrill activites that are possibly dangerous... we all are high on soomething."

"Blah blha nonsense, i think im goign to send uou to the doctor."

Denki stood up.. "No sakura, she's MY date, if you cared about me you would have dated me but you didnt dhow up, and momo here was polite enough to go with me. I woulda beeen alone."

 

"wow jesus, Im so sorry denki, and momo, but not as much to momo, i shouldve treated you better denki, but i was actually sleeping because my sleep is important to my health. dont get me wrong youre important, but imagine if i couldnt talk to you on my ow date cuz i was so tired.."

"Oh, I see, im sorry too Sakura, I thought you were slutting it up with Deku or something."

"Ah, but deku is inprisoned for attacking a protected member of society, bakugo."

"Right, Rifht, i forgot, my bad. We shall date. Go away momo."

"cool beaaaans~ my dude, ill be right over thereerere.."

Her sultry glazed over eyes closed. "Denki i think, shes dead."

"What? no she probablu just ated a little too mudch weeds."

"How many did she ingest..."

"maybe 6, or seven."

"Thank deki, shell be fine." I grabbed momo, careful not to touch her breast or else ill look like skank, and i dont want to do that. But it was difficult because her breatss were so large for an 18yr old, they were almost as big as my hand themselves when i compared it to my hand. They kinda jiggled a bit, because there breast. I carefullly tossed her in the garbage can, where she belonged.

"Thanks for getting rid of her, please ;et's resume our date. Also goodjob not touvhing her massive tetas, they were so large, they looked like watermalon sized chest tumor. "

"Ok, please retrieve me a menu, i am the hungering for a bite."

Denki reached over his shoulder and grabbed a menu. "please, order as much as you'd like, but don't eat too much, because you might get as fat as momos bobis."

"yes, that'd be a udder shame, i woould like to order 1 cup of water, 1 coffe of latte mochas, and a fetuchine with petso, and maybe a desert consisting of gelatinous solids." Momo boobs made me hunger for some jellos, because of how they jigled.

"alright said the waiter, who happened to be Bebop from cowboy bebop, and his dog steven spiegle."

"cute puppy, please give me the name, gender, age, breed of dog."

"He's name is spike spielburg, from cowboy bebop, im Bebop, the cowboy from cowboy bebop. He is male, he is also 8 months, potty trained, and hes pretty smart watch this. Jump."

The dog jumped.

"Haha, how cute I said"

"why thank you" talked the dog.

Bebop said" he's a talking dog, hes smart hes a pembroke welsch corgy."

Denki was in awe "wow, very neat, but please im hungry, this is way too umporfesional, i want myfood not your fucking dog thnaks."

I gasped "Your so RUDE! look at the cute dog how can u ever say that."

The dog, mr spike stevenheim, "im particalry not offended, the man, denki, from boku no hero academia, has the right to his opinion. In truth, it is unprofessional for me and mr. bebop to be lazing around whislt a good kind man is waitinf for his food. my apologies, i hope to service you better next time."

Deki was pleased and gave the dog a patty pat on the head. Bbeop and the dog stike, left and then came back with soem food. i ate it. The pasto tasted good, but the futachine reminded me of jiro's earlobes, so i had to eat it with my eyes closed.

"denki, so did u know that jiro is over in hell?"

"Oh really,serves her right, ssaw it coming. preppy ass doxy."

"Haha, ikr, i agree. but do u want to visit her, shes in the hell zoo in the cage."

"OK, after i dinish eating."

We finished eating then took a trip to hell, which was very peasant this time of year. We met up with satan who escorted us (but not escort as in a bad way) to the hell zoo with saoyri poetry girl, and jiro the prep jade.

"hi jiro this is my cute boyfriend denki, i think you two have met."

"Hi, sakura, please remove me from this cage, its lonely and im trpped, and i feel sad."

"No, you are in hell, where you hath deserved this."

"Your right sakura, i never shoudl have done such mean things to yo and denki, but now i really wish i could be extracted from thsi cage."

All a suden, mr. spike spielgirl came into hell and in the hell zoo.

"Hi, im steven spiggle, please wish."

"Hi, dog from cowboy bebop, i wish to be removed from the cage and put back into life world, please."

"your wishes my command."

The world statred to glow, and then jiro was not in her cage anymore, that means shes a demon or something in the life world... unless... dog skipple gave her life and h=now shes a human being again, albeit probaby with those wird earlobes,there so long and wierd, theyre like sillly string because theyre long and flopppy, kinda like a flaccid dick but longer.

I tuurned over to denki"Denki, wat do we do, shes alive and stuff, we should find her."

"Ok, denki said", but after we visit the Sayori.

Hi sayori i said.

"hi care to read my poetry."

"ok, im feeling nice and caring and kind today."

i read it.

"hmm, nice, this is the Civil Rights Act (1964)."

"yes"

"This act, signed into law by President Lyndon Johnson on July 2, 1964, prohibited discrimination in public places, provided for the integration of schools and other public facilities, and made employment discrimination illegal. This document was the most sweeping civil rights legislation since Reconstruction."

"Yes, very good, i wrote it myself and johnson liked it, so he put it as a law."

"Nice job sayori, im thinking of friending you bayve, since your kinda cool, you like documants, so do i"

"realy? Thank you ever so much, kind, generous, Sakura"

"Hmm, your right, i dont give myself enough credit. I must take my leave now, ill see you tomorrow."

We wen back to life world, very nice. Denki and I were finished with the date, and i went home.

I binge watched another show this time, snow white with the red hair, but it kidna sucked because miss red hair girl didnt fall in love with the right guy, ren, whos kinda dumb, is dumb, hes not cool, not cool as the other character. The shooty guy is cooler, they shoudlve been dated. it made me upset so i watched an season of violent everygarden, who is a mech warrion, shes cool, but shes rally dumb, i dont like her. Shes so stuck up she thinks she can do eveyrthign and anything, and it makes sense why other cgaracters hate her, shes terirbe and ugly, she has wierd arms, ugly arm, almost as ugly as jiroys face.

Bing! My whone went on, as a text from denki appers.

"Hi, so im braking up, since jiro is alive now, i think we should date together, your welcomed to join our poligamus relatonship, but if yoou do, your a ho thot, because your dating two people a guy and a giirl, whore."

I criedso much, this was so much sadder than vilot everpargen, because i cried a lot. I cried myself to sleep :(

Then i fell aleeep, ready for next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thannks to the biggest queens ever, your support means a lot to me, thanks


	7. demonic feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> winiing denki back aint isnt easy... but with some help from her good friends, ssshe can do it.

Sakra wkoe up to another beatiful day. "Ah its so beatiful" then I remmebered that denki b roke up with me, oh no, and then i became sad.

I put on my emoest clothes, my chemical romancge, i dyed my hair black and red, i gave me an emo haircut, and put in earbugs, then took the earbuds out bceuase they reminded me of jaro and i hate her.

I went outside, thoady's sundaty, which means i can peovbably hang out in hell, or in church, or with my friends. But i was walking around the block to make put my mind, when all of a suddent, some tall guy, he came up to me and said, wow your kinda pretty u know.

"Who are you" i asked the man.

"My name, is All for One, Im really powerful dude, please, date me or soemthing your so pretty.

"All for one.. ive heard thta.. oh im supposed to defeat you with my qurik one for all, whic is the opposite of al for one. You must be a villen."

"Yse, i am a bvillan, ill fight you if you dont date me or else."

"Hmm, ok, lets fightl."

He tried punching me put i dodged and said one for all 999999999% and i was so super powerfu that he died on the spot. Then i checked into hell, and met up with sayori. "Hi saypori, i hope yur not depressed and grost this time"

"Im not, thanks for asking"

"Ok, so wanna e firends,,i just deferted all for one, now i need to win oover denki, he thinks im a trull.'

"what, you dont look promiscuois at all, how weird."

"yeah, ill talk to satan to revive yuo and also talk to him about jori."

I went over to satan.

"Hi, satan, please revive sayori."

"Ok, will do, anything else."

"Yeah, did u know that jiro ezcpaed your zoo cage."

"she WHAT now! damn prepy earlobe demon."

"yas, and now shes with my denki, Please ever so greaty break them up, and take her back to hell."

"Of course, my child, she deserves hell for forever, i cnat belive her, escaping 2 times already."

"Also, please send All for One to hell, in a zoo cage, hes very bad villan."

"yes, bye now sakura."

"Thanks satan."

And i left Hell.

I was board, so i went to my room and watched Attacko Titan, known also as, Shinecki no Kyojin, and i got a crush on Errand Yeeger. Hes' cute i said, But hes like 12, so im a pedophile. All might came into my room and said, young lady, sakura, are you a whore thot pedophile lady?

"No, all miht, you are mistaken. im not sakura, Im atuallu jiro, but i am look like sakura, jiro is the real pedophile, you can tell by how ugly she is and how she dress, and her molester ealobes, theyre like tentacle, they molest childs."

"Your right, jiro, looking like sakura, ill find the jiro that looks like jiro and arrest her to hell, satan told me she ecscaped helll."

"Yes, she did, she was in hell for being molesty pedolady, her tentacle earslobes, she molests buildings and satan, and escapde."

"Ah, gee, I cannot belive my ears, how could i let a pedopile into my UA acadmy, jiro is terrible."

"Yes, also i killed all for one."

"Oh, the super powerful villan, good job, now i know your not a pedophile. thank you, not jiro but also not sakura."

All might left ad i turned off attack of titans, left my house, and met up wtih queen eliza, and mairy antonette. "Hey cousins,what is the haps."

"Hello, sister sakura," said elizabeth and the other one. "We are persforming a ritual, so we can necromance Sayori, i heard shes coming back."

"Oh cool ive never seen a nekomance in pereson."

"Ok hold this." Elizabethr gave me a white canle. "Now you have to repeat after me: Sayori of the Dead, the living world awaits you. You have been forgiven for your sin, your torture is no more. We welcome you back."

Sayori manifestered near me. "Hi, sayori, we're trying to brake up jiro and my friend denki."

"Okay."

Then we all went to denki and jiro's date.. but there was someone else with them.

Twas all might and he was talking to jiro. i tried to listen in, but i dont have jiro's earphone jack abiliity, i i jsut had to make do.

"Hi im all might, your girlfrend, jiro, is a pedophile, im taking her to hell."

Dennki looked angry and surpised and yelles "Okay.'

All might took jiro in his musclar arms, very musclar, and carried her to hell. 

"Hi denki, sorry about yur girlfrind, can we date gaian,"

"No, actualy, im dating a new girl now, not you, her name is Ibara Shoezaki, and she's the daughter of jesus christ. Your a demon, i dont like demons, bye."

"DAMN it DAMn it ALL I BARA IS UGLY vine lady SHE UGLY GROSS her hair looks like jiro's earlobes, tehyre so long, theyre green, theyre like vines, youre dating a vine, might as well DATE THE WHOLE DAMN JUNGLE you idiot, pumpkin head, haha cuz youre hair yellow, and pupkins grow on vines, BYE!"

"Ok, ill text you later sakura."

"ok." so i went home and cried, i went to the jungle and took some vines i put the vines onmy head. Then i visited fenki

"Isnt this what you want, you like jungle hair" i cried sobbingly.

"Ok" said denki.

I cried some more, my hair vines hurt cuz they spiky, so i took it off and went to sleep.


	8. Intermission 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aizawa has, wants a bigdady. He's sleep when jeus takes him to cloud citie's bar, and aziawa is a drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tgis chapter conaints kinky, read at youre own risk.

Aizawa woke up.

"Today must be Sunday, one of the best days, bceause no school means i can sleep in." He plopped back to sleep, immediately delving into dreamland.

"Whoa, where be I, i thought i was alseeping." he looked around, therre were coulds everywhere.

"hi, your in cloud city, the place with a lot of clouds. My name is Jesus."

"Oh, like jesus christ?'

"yeah" said Jesus Christ.

"Sorry jesus, but i dont believe in jesus."

"Okay, said jesus dejectedly.

Aizawa noticed and cheered him up say "Well if you want, we could take a looksee around, maybe grab a beer or two, mr. jeus chris"

"sounds good old pal, lets come over here."

They went into the cloud city bar. The place was nice and cool, but a little warm to, and poeple were playing gambling and pokers, with cards and poker chips. There was a pool, and a table, and a pool table, and some clouds. At the bar, there were bartenders, they were all nekos.

"Hmm, nice baar, whats with the nekos."

jesus exclaimed "nekos are pure and innocent, my customers love them, none of that succubutts shit from hell."

"Darn, i like succucucs... but neko's will have to do."

"We also have loli's, but the people who like them are down in hell, such shame."

"I agree wholeheartedly." said mr. aiazawa.

"You wouldnt happen to have a preference toward bartenders?"

"No," said azaza, "Just get me a normal, musculature guy, with thick arms, the usual."

'Ok", said jesus."

A beefy man, with big abs and chest, strong shoulder, and muscly thighs, came over and said to eraserhead "what would you like to order frm the bar"

"yeah, ill have one iced vodka, on the rocks."

"ok,coming right up"

He took a cup of iced vodka and pored it on the rocks, and slid it across the bar to aizawar. "thanks brodude, my names iazaawa, nice arm muscles, im pretty weak, puny, scrawny, and pathetic myself."

"Hmm.. sounds like i could beet you up very easily." said the bartender, who was very strong.

Aizawa took a chug of vadka, letting the hot alcohol water flow down his mouth tubes and slamming the glass back down on the table. "mhm, im weak, go beat me up sometime.. give me your number, eh?"

The bartender refilled the cup and the rocks, and slipped Aizawa a slip with his number on it. "here, call me if you want a... wrestling match?"

"Good one, your funny..."

"Enjiro, name be Enjiro."

"eeehhhhhhh~? soundzz familiaarr but i won dwell onnet..." Aizawa was feeling a little tispy. His weak, frail, fragile body could not take many alcohol. He cupped his hand around the cup of vorka and tilted his head upwards. He lifted the heavy cup to his trembling mouth and carefully spilled the his drink into his mouth. Not bothering to swallow, the vokka overflowed and dripped down his lips, getting his clothes wet. The vodker slowly trickled down izaerwa's wide throat, creating a burning sensation in his nose and mouth. "GACK" he coughed out the alcohols and spit it all over the bar table.

"sorryboudat..e-ejiro..."

"Whoa, go easy man! I should've known you couldn't take alcohol since you look so feeble and masochistic."

"truuue... now gemme anothr glassss babe"

The bartender had to comply, because he was in cloudy city and he had to please the customers.

Aizawa's shaking hand grasped the new cup of spirits and sipped it slowly. then he threw it up. 

" oooooops sorry can i have some more."

"same thing?"

"howabouutttt someting more strogner"

"ok, lets get you 98 proof liqor, this one imported directly from russa, be careful though because it will get you so drunk you pass out and throw up and die."

"please, give me a pour"

"I Don't think i should, i'm not sure you can handle this."

":("

"alright then" and poared aizaawe a glass.

He snatched it from Enjiro's big brawny hands and gulped it down.

"aaooeeoaaoeoaooa...oaoeeo, im drunk... i can act and say stupid, btw... i like loli shotas,"

A man walked up to mr. eraserhead, eraserhed super drunk and maybe gonna pass out and die.

aizawa say "h...hey...felllaaaaaaa....wassubbb....wanna get smaaashhed......bruuhh..."

"Hi, im jesus chrsit and please leave, your no longer welcome in heaven, adios"

"aight... jussa moment... im gonna give my bartenner a thannks..."

Aiizwir rose up and looked the bartender in the eyes. They locked lips. "I can taste the alcohol on you, are you sure this is not illegal, you prolly cant consent right now"

"Youre right" said izawa "i'll go wake up."

Izawa woke up and he realized that he was not kissing enjiro the bartender but enji the mr. endever. 

"ah, e-endevour what are you doing in my house.... i mean i dont care im izawa and i sdont care about anything..."

"sorry erasurehead, i was creeping on you in your sleep then i thought you looked cute so i kissed you."

"why! Your an idiot! thats probably where todrokrio got it from."

"hmmm maybe, also i was the bartender in youre dream."

"that makes sense why youre called enjiro in the dream, i see."

"yes, now please kisth me, i love you."

"ok"

they kissed.

aizawa removed his mouth from enevor;s and asked "how old are you again."

"im 15"

"what"

"yeaj aizawa shota, you like shota ahhahaha."

 

Aizawa was sent to jail prison and detecntion.


	9. Intermission 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> intermissoin number two

hhello my Lovelies! as you know i have been gone a verylong time and this is because this stroy is a real story and they don't have wifi in heaven OOPSises i accidently spoilned that a lil! As i was seying, this is a real story about my life so i counlnt update a lot or at all!!!!!!!!!!! ahhh! so now that that is out of the way, pleazse enjoy trhis sinful excnage between deku in solitary confinement and house arrestttt.

 

deku woke up in a small, crapped room. "Wow, this room is awfullu small."

The prison guard piped up and said "your'e in solidaritycon fine men" 

:damn it, por quey?"

"you punched out backago's teeeeth and he was tttttalkin wirddd"

"ah shoot i didnt know bakergo is a protected class of sociaty"

"he IS and you are paying the price for doing that"

ut very soon after deku punched the wall with his bara power and the entire room's wall exploded and destroyed. 

"What' said the officer' that is illegal you cant do that, im placing you unde houser rest"

"oh NO!" said deku.

Deku was placed inside his house carefully and he couldnt escape because he didnt awwnt to destroy his house. Dadadadadadaad doooooooooooooon! the officer was also in his house to make sure deku was boing not a bad perssssson and not punching teech out. 

The officer introduced himslef as rikido sato and he kept eating all the cacks and cupcakcs deku's fat mom made and bought and stole. Sato was same age as deku, but he was cool because he was so strong the nasa and the fbi and the cia and the US and Austarilan national army wanted him on their teams. But he was too young so he becom a peleace officer. that ends it for today, will continue tomore


	10. Geocentric Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ahHH.... time to go to heaving to tell god the news

Pippi Popou  
Mrs. Butmancher  
English 7B  
Perriod 4  
April 1 2019

#### HEADER

Body text

Hewwo and todei we have a new and impwoved guest on our fanfiction :3

Das right! I got the wonderful , world-renowned, beatiful gwutenfweewitz fwom wattpad to wite ouw new chaptew :33

 

Teeeheeeee… todei;s chapew is on mrs. Sakura’s ascenchon to heaven.. But b wawranted that witz- san did not read any pwebious chapers because she bisy as aww heww!!

So without FURther adieu, chapther.

 

 

Whenever I found a way to win Denki’s heart, it was always yanked back by some new woman. I was so sure I’d have it this time! But that bitch from heaven, Ibara Shadowheart or something, swooped in. Now, she’s next on my list. It was really just a matter of time, since any living woman is a threat to my relationship with Denki.

And so it began, my ascension to heaven. It would take everything I’ve got to get to heaven. The only way to reach heaven would be death. Even then, there’s no guarantee of _reaching_ heaven. Knowing me, I’d likely go to Hell instead, unless I was escorted through the gates (not that kind of escort, dirty minded reader-chan  >_<) or trick the angles to let me in… Damn angles were always snooping through browser histories, I’ve learned from Satan. I had no plan for this. It didn’t matter; things always work out my way in the end. I summoned up Rin from Blew Excersist because Satan was busy tweeting again.

“Hey Rin, thanks for giving me your satan circle pattern. How are you?”

“I’m alright. College sucks, haha.”

“I’m glad you’re trying your best, Rin (not the vocaloid).”

“Did you need anything, or did you just want to catch up?”

“Oh! I completely forgot. I need help on getting into heaven. There’s this one girl who took Denki from me, and I was wanting to tell God that her daughter is a whore and having sex before marriage.”

“Damn, that’s pretty ambitious. I’ll see what I can do. Call you back later.”

We exchanged phone numbers before he disappeared. I scrolled through my phone contacts just in case there was anyone else who might have a clue on getting into heaven. I flopped down on my bed. I kept scrolling and scrolling and- ah! Perfect. I tapped their name and pressed the Call button.

“Hey, Nic!”

“Whoa! If it isn’t Sakura! What a surprise!”

“Yeah! Been a while. Nic, I’m going to need your help with something. You’re probably the best con artist I know.”

“Sounds serious, Sister Sakura. Show his eyes, and grieve his heart;  
Come like shadows, so depart!”

I hummed while I thought about how to form my sentences without sounding like a lunatic. “So, I need help dying and getting into heaven by tricking the angles.” Oops, I definitely sounded like a lunatic there! Teehee~ I’m so quirky!

“Aight, let me know when and where to meet you.”

“Ram Ranch Rd. at 18 o'clock sharp tomorrow. Bring your best weapon.”

“On it. See you soon, Sister Sakura.”

He hung up immediately after and I was alone again. But there was one person who I desperately needed in my plan. Someone who I don’t have the number to. I know who could get it though. It was time to go on a wild goose chase to get this number.

So, taking the stairs was out of the question. It would take too much time. I opted for a simple bus ride down to Hell. Munch quicker. This way I was able to reach Hell before 2 pm. I looked through the human zoo and stopped squarely at Jiro’s enclosure.

She glared at me with her punk eyes through her fringy hair. “Whaddya want, Sakura? Here to make fun of me again?”

“I already did that this morning, and frankly, you’re not hilarious enough to make fun of- oops, I did it again~ teeheehee!”

“Sakura, leave me alone. I’m trying to rot in He'll in peace :(“

“I need your help though. And IF you lend me your help, I will let you rot in Heaven.”

“Oh? What do you need help with?”

“I need to contact someone.”

“Mmmm? I’m on board. What’s the catch?”

“Tilapia.”

“Delicious… let me out and I’ll be right up.”

I unhooked her leash and unlocked her enclosure door. “See you tomorrow at 18’o’c’ock at Ram Ranch Ranch.”

“Ok. Please bring me some tilapia then.”

I took the bus back up to the surface. Only 4 pm and I still had time to waste. I called Rin and let him know the rendezvous time and place. I supposed there was enough time to play some Stardew Valley by ConcernedApe. My farmer was a Scottish woman who is married to the hat mouse. I was also married to Robin the carpenter because she devorced The Meat Tree Us for me because I am so great. Hahaha, I love the vores.Suddenly, I got a call from Jiro.

“JIRO! I’m plaing star dude valley why are you BOTHERING me hoe-ass!”

“You said you needed …… to contact someone…..”

“Ok, demon. Soooooo… I need you to contact *whispers lightly in her ear but it kinda sounds like I said gonorrhea from a distance* You think you can do that? You know *whispers name again*?”

“Yes, I can definitely contact *whispers name back so Reader-Chan does not hear, it’s a secret* but I do not know them personally. I will have to use my hijacking skills to send signals into the air and send a phone call to them.”

Then Sakura noticed and gasped… There was something wrong with Jiro! Something terribly wrong.

“I see you’ve noticed, Sakura… I no longer have my long, long earlobes no more. Earbuds with wires are SO out this season. I now have Earpods. My ear wires aren’t so long anymore. Plus, I won't trip over them anymore.”

“H-how will you contact *censored name* though?”

“Don’t worry, Sister Sakura. I have BlueEar… its like Bluetooth but for ears, and I will use it to send signals to *name*. Very easy. I can also send notes through EarDrop into your mind and you can send notes right back, it works kind of like a cool walking-talking.”

“Very clever, Jiro! I almosssttt don’t hate your guts anymore! Just to be clear, I am still more clever than you.”

“Of course, Sister Sakura.”

“Here is your tilapia. Bye Jiro, see you tomorrow.”

“Ok.” She yelled and left into hell.

I laughed quite maniacally and returned to Start Due Valley. It was an easy game, just farm and fight things and fall in love with people. I planted my crops a couple in-game days ago, and was waiting for the cauliflower to bloom. It takes 12 in-game days and a lot of watering, but the immense profit made it worth it. In addition, there is a chance for the cauliflower to grow into a Big Crop if planted 3x3 or bigger. 

After watering all my plants, I checked my chickens, got they eggs, and fucking ate it in front of them, how do you like that huh? I’m eating yo got damn children in front of you and you can't do nothing.

I went to the mines to vent off some anger and slashed through innocent slimes and weird bug creatures and Penny. How spooky. I went back into town and went through all the residents’ trash cans looking for some food, and found some fresh cookies (idk why they threw that away wtf) and tasty salad. I set my lunch down and ate it in front of the trash can.  
Alex saw me eating and stopped by me.

“Hey scottish farmer sister sakura, where did you get all that tasty food?”

“Definitely not from your grandparents’ trash can, definitely not.”

“That’s good, if I saw you eating stuff you found from the trash can I would laugh my butt off. I think that’s where Jiro lives now.”

I threw up all the cookies and salad at the thought. “Oops sorry alex for almost throwing up on you.”

“That’s ok but why did you do that.”

“Uhhh I’m just trying to feed your dog. He looks hungry. This is what birds do remember.”

I ran off in a hurry, crisis averted. But i was stopped by Harvey, the pedo-looking doctor.

“a-HEM sister sakura, what are you doing running around while you are sick.”

Oh shit i forgot about this town’s health fanatic! Fuck! I need to get out of here fast before he hospitalizes me for 20 minutes and charges me $25,000 because fuck America’s healthcare system.

“No, no...Harvey… This isn't what you think…”

“What?”

“N-n-no…………… listen i know that you kinda like screwing people out of money, but im broke right now and i really can't go to the hospital… im perfectly fine.”

“No your not, sakura, get to the hospital,” he said with a grin that looked creepy cuz his moustache.

“Uhhhhhhhh… HARVEY LOOK A PLANE!” I pointed to the sky and ran away. He was too encaptured looking for a plane that he didn’t notice i left. Whew, crisis averted.

I was so tired of these dumb villagers that I want to see Sebastian (not the butler from black butler but the starred do valley one).

“Hey emo boy, whats up.”  
He took a long drag from his cigarette and let the smoke flow out of his mouth. He was pretty emo, with long, unkempt hair and dark circles under his eyes. Oh wait those are tattoos. His lusty, lustrous eyes wandered over to the mountains in the distance, completely ignoring me.

“HEY! Gimp boy! I’m right here!”

He didn’t flinch or turn, just sat there. He managed to mumble out a few words. “Fuck the system. Fuck capitalism. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer. Tax breaks… global warming… terrorism… pornhub… shoehorn... idyllic world. Fuck society.”

“Hmmm… what the fuck.”

He groaned and took a snort of his cocaine. “...left in the dust…...unless I stuck by you… you’re the sunflower… and i’m just a cashew..”

“Sebastian stop, this reminds me too much of yuri’s poems (not the anime genre im not gay).”

“Sister sakura.. I am a wise man.. I have not much time is left…” he said, shooting lsd, “ ask me what you want, I’ll tell you what you need.”

“Sebastian… if evolution is real why don't snails have legs.”

“The snail,  
Quite frail,  
Is a study to no avail.  
You wish to seek,  
Revenge on the weak,  
Snails are unique,  
Their hard shells protect their physique.  
Yet they reveal their self to move,  
To which you disprove,  
Because, unconsciously, you’ve known you need to improve.  
That which has no limb,  
To you it may be grim,  
But the snail, while he is him,  
Is your own synonym.”

“Stfu or i'll get my hoedown to show you down! What the fuck is that cryptic poem?? I wanna know why snails can’t walk!”

In his dying breathes (still on lsd) he whispers to our Sakura “... the snail…. You……… your shell….. Prevent you……. Move forward………. Move on.”  
And he dies or passes out. Harvey, who is on 12 gallons of coffee, runs in at breakneck speed and scoops up Sebastian, takes him to the hospital, and places a hearty bill of $413,420,690 under his pillow like the tooth fairy :) Sleep tight emo boy.

Ahhh, that was fun, now it’s time to go to the Stardew Valley Stardrop Saloon, where all the howdy-do-cowboys meet and fu-- I mean talk about PG things. I strutted through the door and dazzled my way to Gus, the silly boss dude who sets up the orgi-- i meaaaan… family-friendly gatherings. 

“Hey Gus,” gushed my esophagus with gusto. August fungus and asparagus gussied my gusts of air gustation as some disgusting bogus dinguses crunched mundungus much to my tragus’ no le gusta. “Can I get uhhhh motherfucking mcchicken sandwich?”

“I don’t know, can you?” 

“Ha ha haha thats such a funny joke Gus. im laughing my mcfuckin ass off.” I said incredibly humorously.

“Thanks, here's your motherfucking McChicken sandwich that I am not paid enough to make sure is up to the FDA standards.”

“Thanks Gus.” I took a bite of the nourishing boneless chicken breast sandwich and immediately questioned my existence. Am I a snail, like Sebastian said? Is society its own downfall? Is capitalism a disease? Is the exploitation of the proletariat by megacorporations the reason people relate to Stardew Valley? Is this chicken burger poisoned? 

“Hey Gus, is this chicken burger poisoned?”

“I am not paid enough to answer that question honestly.”

“Alright.” I decided not to waist anymore time. It was time, time find the answers. “Emily?” I called out.

“Y-yes, Sister Sakura?” She responded.

“I need you to come over here. I’ve got some questions for you.”

She grinned. “All important questions must be presented in song format.”

_One by one, walk into the saloon,_  
But two by two as they danced in tune,  
Darkness loomed from inside the room,  
I stood up, and the silence came soon. 

_“Emily dear, please come near,_  
I just wanna make one thing clear;  
Of what I ask, there’s nothing to fear.”  
I said with jeer and a sip of my beer. 

_The room looked on with steady interest,_  
If they want to judge, they can be my guest,  
So unto Emily, I do confess,  
That “My mysteries leave me distressed.” 

_“I can help,” she said with a glimmering glare,_  
Brushed aside some of her stray hair,  
“Come over here, grab a chair,  
Let’s try to make this deal fair.” 

_“Well, Emily, I’ve got two gems,_  
And I’ve also got two simple questions.  
Of course, you can only have them,  
If you give me two suggestions.” 

_“You want answers, don’t you?_  
And not just one, but two?  
I’ll see what I can do.”  
She said as her hair glowed blue. 

And at this point, we decided it best to go back to her house because that was where she kept her crystal ball. I stopped singingly narrating the experience.

“Why does your hair glow blue?” I asked her.

“It's the cause of a strong aura. It can tell when someone or something is upset. That is how I knew you wanted answers to the things you were muttering about after eating the chicken burger I poisoned.”

“Ahh… so you’ll be able to solve the riddles Sebastian left to me?”

“Only if presented in song form.”

“But… I am tired of rhyming.”

“Not all songs have to rhyme perfectly, honey. If you want, you can even rap your questions.”

I clear my throat “ahem” and I begin to formulate my question rap. I can do this.

“I’m talking about capitalism  
I don't want none of that crapitalism  
I just want to rap-it-all-ism  
Capitalism makes me sneeze  
Is capitalism a disease?  
Don’t be a tease and tell me please.”

Emily’s hair glowed a quiet white. She tenderly pressed her forehead against the crystal ball, hummed a tune, and closed her delicate eyes. I took this opportunity to discreetly get up and hit the nae-nae to ease the seriousness. Sitting back down, she opened her eyes, which were now completely white. 

“Ei d thgi mi ro kni pa yb k ci so smim aerts...toh os si at sim…”

“Umm what u just say… sorry I’ve got airpods.” I said removing my Airpods.

“Sac lac sah nim sa nac opi pah…”

“You wench, what are you saying! I need answers.”

“Noi tat syal peh tno nru tym stis ya sreh tom…” Finally, her eyes faded back to her dull, icy blue disaster-child contact lens colored eyes. She peered into the crystal ball and gasped. “No way…”

“Well, what is it, Emily?”

“Better not tell you now.”

“EMILY! What does it say! I’ve been waiting for 1 minute! That’s like 20 times my attention span!”

“It says… ‘Better not tell you now’.” She turned the crystal ball so that a weird blue triangle with the words ‘Better not tell you now’ faced me. I was socked, a paul, and dis made. I cleared my throat a second time to wake up my mouth bacteria and solemnly spoke to Emily with my calmest and clearest indoor voice.

“EMILY WHAT IS THE Gotd=Dame MEANING OF THIS” I said in my clear, calm, non-cursing, and collected voice that of which my mouth bacteria, vocal cords, and brain function produced.

“Hmm.. the crystal ball has never lied. It must be undecided. It cannot answer your question, Sister Sakura.”

“Does this mean capitalism is bad or what?”

“Judging by the answer, I think I may know, but first, I must see your palm.”

“Ummm…. No…..”

“Do you want the answer or not?”

“Yes.” I hastily handed my palm over to her viewgaze. I hadn’t had enough time to erase my palm words, so she got to read all of them. “Emily this is quite im bear is sing… i didn't erase my palm before the reading.”

“That’s perfect! I need to read your palm in order to predict if capitalism is bad or good.”

“What? How will reading my palm tell you how capitalism is good or bad? What does my palm have to do with capilalism?”

“Because the hand of capitalism encompasses everyone (in amarica). We are all related by our palms. Now shush, I am trying to read.” She looked over my hand and I saw her eyes read lines, back and forth as they went. She reminded me a bit of Yoshikage Kira the infamous hand liker who eats with other people’s hands on their food (grosssss what about jerms dummy), and this crept me out a little so I subtly flipped Emily off to show she needed to hurry up.

“Sakura… this is amazing!”

“What is it?”

“According to your palm, you are destined to become a god/goddess!”

“No way! This is unbelievably!” I said in the most convincing non-sarcastic tone I could muster.

“Yes, yes it’s true. But we will touch on that (not in a bad way stupid reader-chan!) later. Fair is foul, and foul is fair with capitalism in the light.”

“That will be ere the set of sun. What a haste looks through his eyes! So should he look that seems to speak things strange. Please tell me about the capitalism economic and political system.”

“I must consult the crystals first. They know everything, being borne of this earth and and shine in the sun’s rays. They know more than humans, weak, fickle beings, while the sturdy, rough crystals live near forever. They do not speak evile, as they cannot speak. They do not see evile, as they cannot see. They do not hear evile, because I do not tell them any evile. It is the wisest with no brains.”

‘Thank, you Emily, very cool.”

She crunched a few of those crystals, eating and grinding them to dust, swallowing them and jiggling her boobies so the crystal dust pinballed over to her heart, connected to her mind.

“Ahh, the crystals say that capitalism can be good or bad…it depends.”

“Thank you Emily and crystals. Now for my next question, also presented in rap form.” I took a deep breath and shot the words out of my mouth like a machine gun. 

“Denki’s dating Shiozaki  
She looks like a matcha pocky  
She say her chastity cage is locky-  
But then why she walk like she got a glocky?  
That's right, she must have take the cocky.  
Our relationship is rocky just like her forearm  
She looks like a hoe, wanna be on a farm?  
Tell me before she causes me harm  
Will Denki ever fall for my charm?”

Emily taped her fingers on the table and closed her eyes. “Sister sakura, I think I know the answer. I must ask the crystal ball first.” She turned the crystal ball back so it was facing her. She shook it, rolled it around, and licked it three times. She opened her eyes and her mouth ran agape. “S-sister sakura… Denki w--”

All a sudden, stardew valley game got black and my character woke up in her bed. Aw shoot! It mustard hit 2 am in-game and my character passed out at Emily’s house. Ughhhhhh. So I went outside and checked my mail. Other than a soggy ugly recipe for fried kaminari, i got a bill in the mail for my passing-out which cost…. Uh oh…. Ummm…. Ok so it said Harvey found me unconscientious at Emily’s and now he billed me $420,000;000:000/00o,000.00 ingame and real-ass dollars. Fuck im broke. That's capitalism for ya!

Well, it was time to log off of stardew valley as i was upset and I needed to find more money since Harvey took all of it. I checked my clock which read a simple “6:09 PM”. Ugh, I had more time to kill before going to sleep. I shot Jiro( a message)(but i wish i shot her for realsies) saying if she could be so kind ass to give me the contact to [secretname] tomorrow. She was likely asleep since i shot her with a tranquilizer earlier for bothering me while playing Sdartew Valling. In retro specs, it was a bad move, but it was necessary since I needed to play sdv in peace. 

I got out my Nintendo switch, a home to many of today’s greatest games like Cars 3: Driven to Win, Vroom in the Night Sky, and Arche Survival: Evolved. Burt I didn't want to play none of those skanky gamges. I wanted to play a massive multiplayer online first person shooter platformer and story-driven plot points that was not fortnite. Yes, i am talking about the game Splatoon.

I was well-versed in Splatoon, my main weapon being the N-Zap ‘69 with the loadout of the autotracking bombs which blow up next to enemy, and the tentacle missiles, which is neither tentacle nor missiles. It is a missle ink launcher and when you lunch it at enemy’s, it will follow them and terrorize them. It is very useful when the enemy is in a narrow space or surrounded by your ink. Also useful to track opponents.

I booted up my game, and soon I was imported into the colorful, vibrant world of Splatoon 2. I talked to Spyke, the spiegel from cowboy bepp.

“Hey chum,” he said with a furious demeanor. “What do you want?”

“I just need to pick up my order.”

“Alright chum, chumming right up.” He stood up and shuffled inside a bag labebled ‘drugs’ and took out a pair of shoes. I graciously paid him in the form of v-bux and went on my merry way. I put them shoes on and went to visit Crusty Sean, the crusty crustacean who works at some crusty station. The crusty crustacean crutched his crucial cruors on his crucified crusaders. 

“Why the long face,” he asked me?

“Why the long body?” I retorted.

“I see you’ve gotten new shoes from Spyke the spiegel.”

“Yeah, I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day!” I loudly exclaimed for the public to hear so that my joke would be laughed at. I learned that brilliant joke when I was browsing Reddit, and I was sure people would like it. Instead, the police, private detectives, and random people came in and arrested Spyke. “Tough crowd,” I said as Spyke was being hauled away and cursing me out.

“More like… chewy crowd since they are squid and octopus”

“Good one, Sean. Do you mind if you cook me up with one of your schwaffles?”

“Sure thing bub… ble.” He got out a bag that was labeled ‘shoes’ and took some weed from it and placed it in an eggo walfle. Next, he placed some opiates like purple set/ perk a sit and morphing and Etc. Stacy, fent a nail, harrowing, and even cannon bits. Lastly, he fried it into crispy goodness. I took it and ate it, gaining a +100% experience in battles for 20 battles. I paid him with tickets from roblox. 

I didn’t feel like battling yet because the stages were bad in turf war and the ranked battle was Clam Blitz. But a squid did come up to me and asked “Would you like to do a Salmon Run with us.” I politely said yes and joined the ship with them. Mr. Gizz the bear said that we need to meet the golden egg quota each round. You can find golden eggs from bosses and the goldie fish and sometimes even up Mr. Grizz’s asshole. We set out on the crews ship and landed on Ruins of ARK: Survival Evolved. This map was a tall map with ramps and ride rails.

“BOOYAH!” We yelled in usion. We had ten seconds to ink the top and sides. I was given the tetra dualies, two small ink guns that shot in onision. I inked most of the place because I am great, and the first salmonids and bosses came in. There was a Stinger on the side and a maws that the other squids could take care of quickly. I swam my way down to the Stinger and shot him until he died. Three golden eggs pooped out. A Maws appeared right by me and started epicly trying to vore me, but I got maws to eat a splatbomb instead. 

I needed to signal to my fellow squids there were lots of golden eggs here. “This Way! This Way!” I spammed until all three of them diverted their complete attention to me waving at them with the golden eggs behind me. They visited me and took golden egg, but by that time so many bosses piled up, of which they did not take care of, that we all died. 

“Game over” said the screen as I was forced to throw my headset on the floor. Stupid teammates! I can’t believe they were so slow. They didn’t take out the bosses!! Stupid dumby babies. If they took the eggs quicker we would have lived. This is all their fault. I was so upset that I started crying whimpering to myself ‘I’ll never play spla2n again… stupid dumb baka teammates-desu…. Baka ika! Baka baka baka baka!” But then I Started to sound like a chicken so I stopped saying that. I checked the clock… 

It was 6:10 PM… on god, this night would take so long. I have had prostitute exams shorter than this. So I logged back on Spla2n once again to play some rank battles. Luckily I had pearling Marina rig the game so the stages changed. I am… the best. I saved everyone from suffering to Clam Blitz. 

It was not the best ranked mode, but Splat Zones is pretty fun. Let me give you the hoedown rundown- two teams, and one or two ‘zones’. Each time most of the zone(s) (75% of total zonage) is covered by a team’s ink, that team loses points. You try to have the least points or 0. It’s like golf.

I loaded up with my wacky gear of beekeeper hat and neo octoling armors. Game mechanics prove that the less armor you have on, the more protection you recieve. I wielded my NZap 87. My team was composed of a e liter 4k with ink saver main and ink recovery up, Hydra splatling with run speedup, and a kensa dueling with ink saver, run speed up, and special saver. 

Our map was the Wahoo world, one of my least favorite maps, yet one of my favorites to play on splat zones. Right at the start, we booyah’ed each other and moved in for the zone. The eliter inked a way to the leftmost ledge where he was able to snipe with ease. I took the right side to the zone like I always do, and i managed to splat one of the opponents. The dualies did the same. Hydra splatling stayed back and inked our spawn which was very very helpful if we ever needed to swim around our spawn waiting for the other team to come back. I managed to wipe out the complete enemy team so I thought now would be a good a time as ever to jump back to spawn and swim around with the hydra. Our rest of the team mercilessly inked the zone and the whole rest of the map while the fellas were respawning (I have respawn punisher).

I eventually earned my special move and as all the squids respawned, I released the tenta missiles upon them, wiping all of them out again. Our score hit zero and we won by knockout. Yay! I high fived all my team members except for the eliter and dualies since they disconnected early on.

I was so happy, and because of crusty sean’s shwaffle, I gained 393928783524759304 xp and raised from level 10 to prestige level 99. Judd the cat and lil judge both congradulated me and gave me lots of super sea snails. My name made it on the splatoon leaderboard because I was now rank X and beating everyone else. Every time someone loaded up on splatoon, pearl and Marina would say “omg!! Did you see how cool Sister Sakura was with her n’zap 85?” And everyone gave me Yeahs on my drawing. They even put me in the splatfest of Jiro vs Sakura(which everyone chose my team and i won :)). I even got to date Marina cuz she was so impressed. She said she would be breaking up with Pearl later. I love divorcee!

I logged off, and this time the clock read 12:00 am. It was time to go to bed. Today was terrible, but I hope tomorrow will be better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u so much to my fans and mostly to carl since shes the one who inspired me to write.
> 
> Thanks to glutenfreeritz for writing this intire chapter for me. Here is a conversations between us that was suposed to b private :3
> 
> gfr: Hey pippi! You were looking for someone to write your fanfiction for you?
> 
> me: yeas if u could do that i woudl pay you (but i type this with my fingers crossed so it is ok to lie tht way)
> 
> gfr: ok! How much are you paying though.
> 
> me: $2
> 
> gfr: no thanks im sorry but thats too low
> 
> me: Im sewing you for extortion and libel and slander and tax evajing unless you write this chapter for me
> 
> gfr: Ok, I will do it, i am so sorry...
> 
> me: :3
> 
> teeehee~ i hope she well be writing my next chaters too!

**Author's Note:**

> ooo girl shock me like elecetric eel o baby girl... turn me on wit yrou electic feels.. dedicate this story to my good friend carl (peppypupa) shes such amazig person please go give hers cudos she amazing writer she ispried me t write this al aorund good prson and really cute if your into girls(im not gay im just sayng shes rally cute and if u r gay i dont jugje no worries fam) (boys got compiitition for the best queen)
> 
> song; electic feelt by mgmgt monosacharride glutamate i beleiev is the full version ofthe name idk i looked it up on wikerpedoia..


End file.
